How do I even begin…how do I even begin to describe how I deceived myself into accepting my life experiences as normal and that it was just another thing that came with puberty? To be honest I can’t even remember the first time I experienced sexual harassment, I just learned to expect and accept it when I started wearing makeup, when I transitioned from a girl to a woman in the eyes of the world, when I unknowingly hit the shallow standards and tolerable age to start being admired by all sorts of men. If you know me well, I’ve probably told you that I don’t want to get married or that I hate guys, but I was not born this way; no, I am a product of conditioning. You see, naturally I believe I should be attracted to men but how can I when the weak links of the male population have scarred me into disgust, hatred and a deeply engrained mentality to be skeptical of every male interaction and compliment, to question every motive behind nice guys. Deep deep deep down inside I may entertain the possibility of marriage one day, but that thought won’t be seeing the light of day anytime soon, at least not while I hold onto my own form of self-defence (at the same time is also the full embodiment of self-sabotage) that is pessimism. I think this will be healthy for me to share some things of my heart and also healthy for those who feel this same way but also healthy for those who can’t relate or are on the outside to provoke some thoughts and discussion.
Food has been called a spouse, a child, a best friend, an enemy, a bully, a listener, and more.
This topic has been on my mind for years. I’ve written about it many times but I wanted to start publishing these for you to read. I want to do a series so hopefully I’ll be writing more on this topic soon because it’s a little taboo. I know so many people struggle with this problem, but let’s talk about it.
Day 1 Link-https://wp.me/p93ia0-1x
$27.67 Gosh uber is pricey at 9:30am on a Saturday morning going to Pikes Peak. When I searched up the route last night it was around $18, but because of increased popularity and demand, the prices went up, but I had no choice but to pay it and leave at that time because I had a Cog Railway ticket ($41) leaving at 10:40am, requiring me to be there 30mins early. The ride was 3hr 10mins, taking us all the way up to the 14,115ft summit. It was much colder so my sweater and jacket kept me cozy. I had a tank underneath since it was hot at the bottom of the mountain, so I don’t recommend wearing crazy layers all day. Just remember to pack warm clothes. After the ride, I ate my second avocado toast of the day, the fourth of the trip. Avocado is my favorite food, so I was still pretty happy and content eating it.
I needed a getaway.
School had just started, yes, but I already needed to get away from campus. Before school started I was excited to come back to school and see my friends and get acquainted back to campus life, but when I actually came, things didn’t roll as smoothly as I thought they would. Without going into too much detail… I basically had a lot of situations, relationships, and problems left unresolved and I started feeling an overwhelming amount of different emotions: depression, anxiety, paranoia, social isolation, low self-esteem, and doubt. I knew if I stayed where I was, sulking in this mountain of feelings, that it would snowball so fast and I would be out of control. It’s a scary place to be, and so Thursday night, August 31, I booked a plane ticket to Colorado Springs, Colorado. It didn’t take much research or thought. In fact, I had never even heard of Colorado Springs, but for some reason, my heart yearned and so my fingers typed and my hands followed.
$191.40 round trip from Chicago O’hare to Colorado Springs Airport. I immediately booked a bus to leave from Champaign Friday morning at 5:20am so I packed my things that night and tried to call a campsite to reserve a bunkhouse for Friday night, but I couldn’t reach them, so I left a message and departed the next morning having no idea where I would sleep that night. Oh it’s also worth mentioning that after the bus left I remembered I didn’t have my passport and I thought my trip would not be happening. Luckily my Ontario Driver’s License was another accepted piece of ID for travelling domestic.
July 13th, 2017 I stood in the Bogota airport in Colombia with tears falling down my face. I think it was my first time crying in an airport. But how could I not when I had to part ways from my wonderfully loving, warm, and caring Youth for Christ host family that I had spent over 3 weeks with? Those weeks I spent in Colombia were organized by CTI Music Ministries in partnership with Youth for Christ Colombia. CTI trains musicians and sends them out to different countries to serve and spread the gospel through music, so I was sent to Bogota, Colombia after two weeks of training in the US with my band.